friends come and go anyway.

Serena: Blair, how can I fix this?

Blair: You don't, Serena.

You just stay away, from me,

my boyfriend and my friends.

You're done.

hertshertsherts ♥ ♥ ♥

WOOOOO I GOT INTO HERTFORDSHIRE!

i was so happy i cried for the first time in my life haha

i'll be crying when i don't get the grades though! >

my grin is as big as that!

♥

what i'd give to be serena vdw.

i can't even wear shorts without worrying about

how much my thighs jiggle with their flubber.

i guess when i hear other guys talk about how attractive a girl is,

i unconsciously begin to feel slightly self-conscious..

especially if you know the girl.

and especially if she's your best friend lols.

i spent a few years being friends with someone

who was always more popular or prettier etc.

and i guess i got used to being 'so-and-so's friend.

which reminds me, only now do i realise,

that what rachel and some other people said to me,

is probably what every other friend of mine is thinking.

it's true, i guess i'm naturally bossy and without realising,

i make others feel like they're followers?

i'm sorry, i don't mean to.

and i do know how it feels..

always having to be around guys

rating the hotness of girls i know,

is starting to make me wonder

if i've ever been in anyone's conversation

about leng luis and rating their 'pengness'..

i don't want to be some random guy's fantasy

(because i'd only want you to think of me like that,

but even recently, it feels like i can't even make

you feel that way anymore cos it's gotten to the point
that even you can point out my flaws)

but even knowing that i'm the slightest bit pretty

would be enough to reassure myself that i'm not ugly.

i wouldn't say i haven't felt ugly in a long time,

because that would mean i always thought i was super hot.

but i haven't felt uglier in so long.

and it feels like i have to keep restraining myself

from my bad habits, just to keep myself skinny

because do you actually know what the worst experience is?

walking into a changing room with clothes at your usual size,

and a few minutes later, realising that you look like a hippo.

you said girlfriends are easy come, easy go.

and they're basically people you'd like to have sex with.

and you said that i'm not a girlfriend, i'm a wife.

i don't want to be a wife if i'm not girlfriend material?

i don't know how to explain it cos it'll just come out wrong,

but it makes sense in my head.

i don't know.. but recently, maybe i've come to terms,

or maybe i'm going against your advice and caring about

things that other people are saying.. but;

it always feels like i'm out of your league.

like i'm a million miles away from even beginning to compete.

like i'm always going to be the uglier and fatter girlfriend on the sidelines.

my arms don't even come close to being as skinny as those

gets me so agitated with my body.

♥

does depending on someone mean trust?

baby you're a firework,

come on let your colours burst

there's a reason behind everyone's behaviour;

there's a reason as to why i find it hard to rely on people.

as much as i want to be able to do that,

it's not always that simple?

(and i'm not complicating things for myself)

i think my biggest phobia of all time

is the feeling of disappointment and abandonment

when people leave you.

it overrides my fear for candy..

i know it's strange because even after almost 11 months,

and i'm still like this?

but to be honest, sometimes you make me feel like

i can't depend on you all the time..

because there's always going to be something, you know?

like, you'll always be late or you always make the littlest things

that i want you to do, seem like the hardest things ever.

like if all i wanted you to do was surprise me outside school,

you'd make it seem like i'm making you capture the moon for me.

(despicable me was sooo good! anyway..)

and never washing up is always going to annoy me.

it's just these little things

that make me seem like

if i depended everything on you,

if you just weren't there one day

for whatever reason,

then what would i do?

what could i do?

nothing really..

♥

it's snowinggg! so early :o

after a hurricane, comes a rainbow

sometimes i hate talking about the past,

but eventually you'll come across it again

and you just have to learn to come to terms with it i guess :)

i guess.. most of the time, when i neglect the past,

it's because there are still many things i regret doing/saying/whatever.

take the people who i used to hang around with,

as much as it is my fault for doing something that broke us up,

it's just as much their fault for not hearing me out,

and just packing up and leaving.

and i guess, my old habits are coming back.

it's winter; so in the wai man cycle, you hibernate.

obviously that means a turn for my education

but to be brutally honest, i cannot be bothered with school.

i guess you're thinking, you will be when august comes..

and no university wants to take a dropout like you.

i know. god, i know. but what is wrong with me?!

recently, i think i've just lost another friend,

over a silly little assumption or misunderstanding or whatever.

i guess sometimes, when you realise that you have to keep

finding things out about the people around you,

through someone else;

it starts to get to you.

and the way i explained it may have sounded like

i have more than just friendship with him, i don't.

i guess there was a part of me that couldn't let go

of one of the friends who stood by me when so many didn't.

♥