..fourteen months♥

sadly, fairytales are never perfect,

and more often than not come to an end

even though this month's anniversary isn't relatively happy like the others.

i think right now is a really crucial time for us to really think.

everything i needed to say, i've already said.

and the fact that i'm not getting much of a response.

makes it seem like things can't change over a day after all.

at every minute, and every second of today,

my hearts feels like something's crushing it.

like if whatever it is, keeps pushing, 

it'll crush my heart into pieces already.

but that's silly and it makes no sense..

because my heart is already in pieces.

and it hurts like nothing i've ever felt before.


happy fourteen months.

pick up all the little pieces♥

it fxcking hurts when you realise that

everything you believed in turns out to be

complete utter bullshxt.

it's just disappointing.

you know that feeling when it feels like everything's falling apart?

well, i do. and i've been feeling like that for some time now.

but it picks up every now and then so it's not so bad..

but this time.. this time hit me hard.

me and my boyfriend argue a lot; i guess that's just us really.

but yesterday, we he took it to another level.

i'm a crybaby, but i haven't cried like that since i was young.

and i guess it's because yesterday scared me like back then.

it brought me back about ten years ago and to be really honest,

i was really afraid.

i cried because i was upset of course,

but i think fear overtook the sadness i felt.

i hate realising that one person

can be two completely different people.

i think it's the scariest feeling. ever.

and i was really unprepared

so it threw me off completely.

and you left me speechless.

i wonder if it breaks your heart to see me like that?

it feels like what came out of your mouth was true,

you really don't give a shxt about me anymore.

but it's okay. really..
it's just like you always say, "shxt happens."

so what can i do..

i tried taking my mind off this today, so many times.

but i failed every single bloody time! got me so angry!

when i actually picked up my pen for the first time today to do maths,

i thought of you again.. and how you're always so eager to teach me.

even when i went to the toilet,

i saw your worried face asking me to take care of my body.

and when i saw a guy in the year below hug his girlfriend,

patting her head and telling her how much he loved her in front of a crowd..

i thought of you.

and it made my eyes water.

i spent all night doing work, trying to take my mind off it,

i'll think about everything later.

but your mum worries and she asks and asks if i'm okay.

and i'm biting my tongue, saying of course i am.

i don't know what to do.

i don't know what i want you to do.

actually, i'm lying, i do know what i want you to do.

but i'm not going to tell you.

because it wouldn't be your decision.

you wouldn't be doing/saying anything freely.

they say time heals everything.

..i wish you could fast-forward time.

♥

a moment of thankfulness♥

i have 9 school weeks left which meeeans..

no time for messing around like last year again.

today, when i got my first mock back (eco)

it hit our whole class kind of smack-bang in our faces.

i guess it's because we don't really realise how close we are

to our summer exams and more retakes and almost..

how vulnerable we are to losing those university places.

sanghvi was right; if we keep going at the way we are,

we're not gonna be going to uni next year at all.

today, i realised i took my family for granted, almost too much.

and for me to have to watch a clip about the people in africa

in order to realise how truly lucky i am..

it makes me feel like an ungrateful piece of shxt.

i say i'm grateful for what i've been given and what i have;

but i've never really let the people who have given me those things,

know that i am genuinely grateful and appreciative for them.

firstly, i would like to thank my beloved parents.

for always providing me with the necessities for a successful life.

for always protecting me and providing me with food on the table every day.

for ensuring that i have the best of the best education.

for always being the reason i smile on a shxtty day

(even if you both do drive me crazy sometimes)

and for and respecting me as the person i've become.

thank you for not letting me stray and lose myself.

i love you both so much♥

secondly, i would like to thank my beautiful sisters.

although you've all proven age and annoyance positively correlate,

you guys have always been the reason as to why i try my best in all that i do.

i try hard in school to give you something to work towards

because i know your potentials and i know that you can all do better than me.

when i hit a dead end and i feel like everything's falling apart,

you guys are just somehow there to yank me onto my feet again;

you make me stronger every time.

i love all three of you, not one more, not one less♥

thirdly, i would like to thank my boyfriend's family.

for accepting me as your other half.

and for accepting me under your roof.

you have provided both me and sister, with warmth and love.

i have never been to anyone's house (other than my own)

that would welcome me as their own.

i've always learnt to be precautious and my guard is always up,

but ever since you all took us in, i haven't felt so relieved in so long.

i love you all dearly♥

and now last but not least, i would like to thank my loving boyfriend.

for going along with all my crazy ideas and adventures.

for bringing me happiness and smiles, day and night.

for always trying your best to keep me happy.

for putting a roof over my head and keeping me warm and fed.

for being there to embrace me when i feel like the world's against me.

for holding my hand and being by my side no matter what.

for buying me gifts that no one else would think to buy.

you really are the light at the end of my tunnel.

and whenever i feel lost and i can't find my way out,

i'll run towards that light as long as you're there with open arms.

because i don't even know where to start to show you how touched i am,

for loving me as me, and no one else.

♥

almost £100 in one go! :o ♥ ♥ ♥

took tim to the doctors on fridayyy :)

he got a really painful ear swab lols!

well it most certainly sounded painful! haha aww♥

dad painted my bedroom!

it was supposed to be sky blueee

but it turned out to be like blue/purple/sky blue haha

it changes colour whenever it wants!

i woke up the next morning and it was sky bluee

and then at night it was purple and during the day its just blue!

hahaha awwww daddy's such a bum♥

we were still technically pissed at each other on friday lols

but i think we eventually started to patch up..

even though he's still a bit edgy with me ==

on sunday, i grabbed kfc for joey cos she was craving it haha!

and then me and tim went out to unlock chantel's phone..

and whilst we had 30 mins, we went to covent garden's tesco~

to get stuff to mke porridge cos tim's jaws hurt :(

but when we went back to collect the phone..

they said 10 more mins! so we wandered around ctown

looking for the place with the cheapest cup noodles LOLSS! ♥

and we went back again and they said another 15 mins!

so we walked around again hahaa oh and tim talked it down to £3 from £5 ;p

so chantel just saved £2 lols awwww (:

made porridge last night and it kind of er.. failed lols

too much water and too little rice xD

but still edible really lols

i flopped the economics test i thought i'd smackedddd :(

36%! BLOODY 36% WTFUXXXX?!

actually got me genuinely upset :'(

it's so stupid cos i thought i knew everything!

but i just don't know where the marks come from!?!

mum came down today for karman's parents evening

and i waited around to go shoppinggggg♥

cos my stupid longchamp has a hole sporting at the bottom!

i wanted to get the paul's boutique patent maisy bag

but mum said it looked 'low tow' and like an 'ah por' bag haha

and mum wanted me to get the huge anchor bag

so that i could actually fit stuff in lols

but it kinda looked really.. er, big and 'cho low'

so i ended up getting the molly white anchor bag

and the lizzie white anchor purse to match! ♥

can't find a photo of the purse online so i'll show you at the end!
♥ ♥ ♥

god i felt like one of those 'my super sweet 16th' girls

when mum went to pay at the counter and it came to £97!

£66 for the bag and £31 for the wallet -

which isn't a lot if you bought it separately lols

and mum was telling karman to choose one

and suprisingly enough.. she didn't like any of them lol!

awww i love my mummyyyy! ♥

now i'm getting all excited thinking about

what to get her for mothers day woooo!

♥ ♥ ♥

that time of the fxcking year again.

so on sunday, i saw tim for the first time since valentines

and we were having a movie day which was funnnn :)

until he decided to be stupid just before he left for uni ==

a lot happened on monday actually.

leyla and kit broke up, norman came over

and he had his little ramble so i listened.

and i somehow became a stupid little bitchandahalf

and told leyla about the whole situation with kit and norman.

and even though she swore she wouldn't say a word,

she decided to let all hell break loose.

but i can't blame her cos i know i'd be angry.

and i was the one who decided to open my fat gob.

but i hate it when your trust gets thrown

out the fucking window over one night.

she decided to tell norman and kit something,

i don't actually know what she said because

i woke up the next morning and tommy said i had backstabbed him.

when actually, i felt super guilty for going behind kit's back.

so the person i think i actually backstabbed, hadn't even accused me,

but the person who wasn't even in mine and leyla's conversation, did?

god i was so confused.

and i take full responsibility for all this shit that has happened.

but now that me, kit and tommy have sorted things out,

i'm done being in this mess.

this time last year, and the same time this year,

has made me truly realise, that friends are friends,

but when you get too close, things go complicated.

tasnia's been acting wierd lately with me too so i cba.

so although people like kit, tommy and tasnia meant a lot to me.

i don't actually have the mental capacity to maintain friendships

and bring them back to how things were before shit happened.

from now on, their business is their business, and mine and mine.

this always reminds me of when shiok said,

"friends are friends inets, but you don't get too close."

and i hate, giving my complete trust in someone

thinking that things will be different every fucking time.

thinking maybe, i'll have a true girlfriend i can rely on

instead of just having loads of guy friends.

but girls are just a fucking mess.

a right fucking mess.

and i think yesterday, when i told you about the situation,

when you said, "you're supposed to let your low gong come and save you"

i think there was that slight moment where i was genuinely going to rely on you.

but then when you said, "i'm gonna be like god,

and just watch from the sidelines knowing everything."

i knew that just like every other time,

if you dig yourself a hole, you clean up your own shit.

cos no one's gonna stand by you when you're in the wrong.

priorities as of now:

- school/uni/work

and if either of those let me down,

then god shat on me big time.

♥