procrastinating.

"this beautiful city seems empty,

all the people in the world
and you can still feel lonely.

what's the point of having it all
without the person you love?

sometimes you just gotta start all over again,
in order to fly."

trekked all the way down to get to wrc and

ohmygawd i can understand why they need volunteers.

the window front is empty, with nothing but translucent glass -

most boring display i've come across.

A4 pieces are pinned up messily on the display boards,

with no colour or anything that would catch your eye.

the volunteers or the employers working at the front desk

look half awake and lack smiles to welcome you.

but i hadn't realised that when i signed up for this,

there would actually be so much work lols.

to top it off, she expects us to meet deadlines right after

she told us she understands we're full time students.

well at least i got a whole bus journey with

someone who i thought wouldn't talk to me normally again,

and strangely enough, we communicated like civilised human beings,

omg, impossible right? haha, apparently not! :p

well thank the lord for making my day at 3:30pm! :D

i got rejected for the first time in my sixteen years of life.

i have never been rejected by any school i have ever applied for.

i have never been rejected by anything i have auditioned for.

i have never been rejected by anyone i planned to be friends with.

and i have never been rejected by a guy before.

kinda took me by surprise.

not only was it indirect, but he was a smart one.

every response he gave when he faced my questions, was indirect -

like trying to say 'no' in the nicest possible way.

and what makes it worse is my pride always seems to take over.

everytime someone mentions him and asks about my progress,

i'd start to say "actually, he doesn't like m-" and then i'd reconsider,

and be like "yeah, actually, i don't like him nomores anyway."

when in actual fact, monika, tasnia, ally and zak can see right through me.

and then i end up admitting it, so why waste effort covering up at first?

wml, you are the biggest idiot known to every breathing thing on this planet.

for the record mr james, i can tell you now,

i will be the first to drop chemistry after AS,

so you can stop throwing evils at me when you talk about grades,

and who's going to pass onto A2 and who's not.

because we all know who you're insinuating.

walking down harrow road and edgware road and church street,

is probably the most unpleasant experience at night.

especially when you're wearing heels and one,

you can't run if you needed to,

and two, you gotta balance to kick them where it hurts.

don't old shabby wrinkly men feel any sense of dignity when they whistle,

and comment on young girls as they walk pass?

can i not even walk down a road without one pervy old shxt giving his opinion?

well at least i have my best friend back.

well, not completely but it's the best it gets for now.

and at times when i need someone, as i scroll down my phonebook,

i realise that there isn't actually a person i can call nomores.

my weight is just being a joke now.

and the joke's on me.

OMGAH.

glass pianos do exist!

thanks to alicia key's "doesn't mean anything" video :D

i wish i continued playing the piano.

half day tomorrow.

too early to say it's a break from work!

tomorrow, i need to finish off my psychology homework.

and revise for the chemistry test on friday :3

and finish the presentations for badminton and wohaa.

and buy shares for city traders and actually get into top 200.

and hunt around for xmas presents.

and buy new dance shoes and apply for a company.

and buy my chemistry textbook at waterstones.

and do my statistics homework.

and eat less.

and sort out of my fxcked up life.

the last one is clearly top priority.

kiss and tell.

"The more I study,

The more I know.

The more I know,

The more I forget.

The more I forget,

The less I know.

So why study?"

 - so true.

Sometimes I just want to leave everything behind,

and go home and play with my five year old sister

who is completely oblivious to everything in life.

At this moment in time, I kind of wish I had a boyfriend too.

Relating to the matter above because back in the day,

whenever I had the crxppest day at school, or close to tears,

whether it be the mountain high homework or bxtchy fights,

At the end of the day, I had him so I thought it was alright.

Because I thought, even if I'd lost all my friends, and flopped my GCSEs,

as long as I had my boyfriend and the relationship I valued, I'd still be strong
and I hate believing that there are times, when relying on a guy is the only option.

Only recently have these thoughts clouded my mind.
I know it has only been a few months since I've had a guy in my life,
but I find it really hard to adjust without someone to fall back on at 3:30pm.

I argue with the person who is supposed to be my best friend, almost everyday,
and most of the time, it triggers from WOHAA and our fundraising ideas
that she keeps slamming down without an alternative or a back-up.
I'm supposed to be the leading director of the group and she's supposed to help.
I wouldn't even consider dropping her off either because that would cause problems,
not only in the fundraising group, but in our friendship groups too.
I can't get the grades I want in Chemistry and I don't know where I'm going wrong.
I don't know what the real reason behind my eating habits are now,
and I'm really scared that it's not because of stress.

Some people deal with stress by eating less.

I was once like that and everything sorted itself out.

Some people deal with stress by eating away.

I've become one of those people and I can't stop.

How twisted.

I acknowledge that my parents and family are wealthy.

But I still find it so hard to just ask for money when I need it.

I'd rather work for it, but recently, I've been caught up with work!

When someone asked me today, how I would define someone as annoying,

I replied, "when people don't do what I want them to."

And my gawd, I sounded like such a bxtchandahalf.

I hate hypocrites.

You can call me a bxtch. You can call the people around you bxtches.

You can say that I'm a Regina George and a total mean girl.

But then you don't even realise that you have become a bxtch!

You gossip, you bxtch, you kiss and tell. You do everything that we do!

So don't try and pretend you're different to us, you are one of us.

she's such a mug.

last night i got back so late because i was interpreting,

at year eight's parents evening.

the longest night, and the most i've spoken in canto.

was so cold, froze the whole way home.

stayed up all fxcking night doing posters for badminton.

didn't even start on wohaa cos the stupid internet didn't work.

got to school at like fxcking seven thirty.

thinking i could print off a million posters for badminton.

and stick them all around the lower school and sxith form building.

only i didn't put the stupid files onto my stupid memory stick.

this week is so shxt. i just know ittt.

monday, i had a full day and paid no attention in chemistry,

so i am gonna completely flop the practical on friday.

then i had to interpret after school for parents evening.

it was so stupid cos the mum didn't speak a word of english,

and her daughter didn't speak a word of canto.

how do they communicate at home?!

tuesday (today) i have to do so much work in study.

then i have to stay after school for chemistry.

then i'm meeting an old friend.

do i even have time for that?

bleh, whatevers man.

wednesday, i have to go to bloody harrow road.

to go to a meeting about volunterring at wrc.

then i have prepare all the wohaa fundraising things,

for the day after.

thursday, i have a half day - woo!

but i have to spend hours along marylebone high street,

asking people for donations for wohaa.

then i have to go to scouts in the evening.

friday, i have badminton in the afternoon.

i have to do DofE in the evening.

then i have to trek up to norfolk at night.

and my gawd, she is really annoying me now.

fxck her.

fxck my life.

november cold.

freezing my tits off.

i need to get my act together, no joke.

i don't think i've been hit with the

"A Levels are serious" wave yet.

every morning is so bloody freezing.

my shoes don't match my outfit, not even funny.

i dont have any moisturiser so my face is cracking.

the stairs in the sixth form building are gonna be the death of me.

shxt, the statistics is due in today?

no badminton because i'm interpreting at parent's evening.

why can't children just be honest to their parents

who don't speak a word of english,

that makes an interpreter's life so much easier.

why do i never carry cash with me?

allow buying a 64p croissant with a card.

just caught another cold.

new look 20% off everything, no time to even go.

fxck my life.

WOOO.

A girl like her liked a guy like him.
It's a disaster waiting to happen.
omg, she told him!

she can't hate him for not liking her the way she wanted.

and as much as she wants to hate him, she can't -

how scary.

BOAT PARTY NEXT YEAR WOOO.

i miss partying.

i feel so deprived of my youth lols

and i'm only sixteen.

all i do is work and stay in a town,

with cows crossing roads on the weekends.

what a loser.

okay that's a long way to go,

well there's always kate's birthday,

in exactly twenty days.

but the shxtty news is:

it's on a saturday.

which means: work day.

which just don't go together very nicely :|

hopefully i'll work something out.

i got nominated as the leader for my WOHAA group! :D

so happy because i'm proper throwing myself into it.

and i've just realised i've been neglecting my badminton club,

which probably deserves more attention at the moment.

so i'll sort out an event soon -

because it is simply the best sport ever known to man

(and women).

it feels so good talking to old friends again.

there's like, a refreshed feeling..

i started speaking to this guy who was supposedly,

my first boyfriend (lols) but he was a really good friend,

and we kinda grew apart in the last year.

but speaking to him again feels just like old times.

and at least i can have a normal conversation with him,

unlike a certain ex boyfriend.

was thinking about driving today..

regardless of the numerous times that i've claimed i'll get my license

on my first try and how i'll get a nice car and everything,

i'm actually shxtting my pants.

cos to be honest, it actually sounds terrifying!

reminiscing with photographs can be depressing, but fun.

depressing because what was there, is no longer there.

and fun because you did the most wacko things
and all you can do now is: laugh.

i was best friends with one of the most optimistic girls.

but it was one of those friendships, where she was in the popular crowd,

and i was in the unknown nerdy group haha.

but we were best friends for a few years, and it was fun.

make overs, shopping sprees, bitchy gossip.

and she brought out the person that i wanted to be.

we stopped being friends when her boyfriend came into the picture.

how gay, right?

i hate how i can unintentionally make an impression

on guys i have no interest in, but not on the ones that i like!

how is that theoretically possible?

 two months, three guys.

mygawd, we need to change that first.

well one technically has given up thanks to the silent treatment,

so that brings us down to two :D

i'll narrow it down to one soon.

with the help of facebook messaging.

and then i just need to figure out the last one!

ohmigawd.

january exams.

chemistry practicals.

christmas shopping.

wohaa fundraising.

badminton club.

nursery reading.
city traders.

interpreting.

DofE gold.

scouts.

year 12 reports.

fxck this shxt man.