Monday 30 November 2009

♥te dua.

love doesn't walk away;
people do.
when you ask someone what love is,
they'll list all the feelings you would have felt,
all the things you would have said or done,
and at the end, you'll realise that the whole time,
you were thinking about a certain person.
it's actually quite scarily true.

i'm still eating a lot which is scary too,
and i'm actually shxt scared i'm pregnant.
too scared to actually go and buy the test,
and end up facing the two blue lines.
please let this just be a phase.

everyone has someone to lean on,
a person to show them what it feels like
to love and more importantly, to be loved.

things i won't say.

Person 1)
We smiled, we laughed, we flirted, we hugged.
You gave me a sign to step into your life.
You changed and now everything you do with her in front of me leaves me speechless.
Question yet to be answered: Are you doing it deliberately?
Because to be honest with you, it fxcking hurts.

Person 2)
Why are you such a dxckhead? Even after breaking up with you, you can't tell me truth?
Stop trying to act innocent because it really is getting old.
Blackmailing me indirectly with everything you know about me that others might not,
doesn't make you a step ahead of me either.

Person 3)
I'm sorry we had that argument which brought an end to our friendship.
I'm sorry I was so childish, but I honestly thought that it was a joke at first.
It was the most ridiculous and most pointless argument ever.
But seriously, my words had no significance?
I wish we could be friends again because really, you warmed my heart everyday :)

Person 4)
You're a guy, stop being such a wuss.
You got hit by a shuttlecock, get over it.

Person 5)
You're nowhere near popular.
You're not the prettiest or the slimmest person going on.
You're not the girls, every girl wants to be.
Why would I spread rumours about you?
It's not even worth my time - or anyone else's for that matter.

Person 6)
Even if I have known you for 7 years, you do annoy me.
And I do have feelings, and so does everyone else.
Stop being so commanding and stubborn,
you know that you think you're everything,
yet you don't realise that people hate that about you?

Person 7)
Omgah, you're so adorable.

Person 8)
You might fall in love with me and I might become attached,
but I'm sorry, I don't think I'll love you the way you love me.
You had your chance, and you blew it. No second chances.

Person 9)
You're so annoying.
I have to see you everyday at sixth form.
Constantly clinging and pressing your face against his arm,
constantly yelling his name with your overly high pitched voice.
I'm really going to dash you across the common room, no joke.
What's worse, it's the two most-wanted guys.

Friday 27 November 2009

mixed feelings.

hey blogger, i wish you could help me out.
i miss having a boyfriend, a lot.
when i log into facebook now, all you see in my news feed,
are people having silly arguments with their boy/girlfriends,
and everyone's status has someone to talk about.

i realised, that at times when i need someone,
there usually isn't anyone.
today was the only friday night i'm in london,
and there was not one person who i could spend it with.
not even the person who had declared his love for me.
man it felt really lonely.

i'm getting so confused because lately,
i've been getting mixed feelings about everyone.
even the people i wouldn't have expected
to have any kind of feelings for,
whether i start dislking them, or liking them.

i'm so glad this week is over.
it has been five days too long.

why is my mother more messed up than me?
she's so selfish and always has to be in control,
and everything that happens has to have her opinion.
she always does things the way she wants,
with no consideration about other people or their views.
she doesn't understand the consequences of her actions,
because she doesn't feel them, but other people do.

eurgh, i sound like i've inherited
her asshole-of a personality.

i can't wait to move out.

Wednesday 25 November 2009

shadow.

he's got you smiling since day one.

when they stand in front of their shadows,
their expressions are hidden,
and her shadow is shining with happiness,
but his emotions are buried in the darkness.
she can't see the pain he's feeling,
she can't see how much he's hurting.

can you really say you love a person,
when we don't really know the meaning of love?
i thought i knew the meaning when i met him,
and then after countless chances, i realised that
 loving someone doesn't mean you'll stay with them
regardless of the hurtful things they've done or said.
love isn't meant to be like that.

Do you believe in love?
Show me what it feels like to be loved.

i used to think that everything that happened, everytime we argued -
whether it be stupid, or serious, i used to think everything was my fault.
you were so perfect, you 'loved' me more than anyone,
no one could find a reason as to why you would treat me badly.
neither could i.
at least now we all know who was wrong.

Monday 23 November 2009

tam; wb to my fxcked up life.

i love you rachel tam.


i'm sorry i was such a bxtchandahalf to you.
i'm sorry i wasn't there when you needed me.
i'm sorry for bruising our friendship like that.

when we started talking again,
my heart just spilled everything to you.
i missed you so much.

and when you asked "why didn't you tell me?"

i just burst into tears, because i didn't know how to.
i felt i couldn't and i didn't want you to judge me.
i've known you for sixteen years,
and we have been so close these past few years,
i didn't want you to think that we were growing apart.

i hated thinking that i didn't have you in my life.

you're my sister, my other half, my best friend.
without you, i'm nowhere near sober enough to think for myself.

then you told me about everything that had happened to you
and it was my turn to ask "why didn't you tell me?"

and you too, felt you couldn't. i'm so sorry.
so much has happened, and i wish you were there,
hugging me throughout everything and anything that happened.

at times when i feel like i no longer have any friends,

you will always be there to assure me you're always there.
at times when i think i'm about to break down,
you will always be there to let me know you'll superglue the pieces.
at times when i feel like i can't do anything right,
you will always be there to show me that everyone is wrong.

i can't not have you in my life,
because i do need you.


Sunday 22 November 2009

new best friend: kdrama.

and it doesn't matter how long you've known him,
but you know that he's had you smiling since day one.


you're beautiful, a kdrama, is so good!
"Go Mi Nam, I give you permission to like me."
aaaah~ *swoon*
i wish i had a person to refer to as my star too.

a friend of mine has officially lost it.

and actually, it kind of showed me my reflection.
she's recently broken up with her boyfriend,
and she misses having one and has gone to the point,
where she randomly added a 27 year old on facebook.
and actually agreed to meet him this friday!

made me think of myself a few months ago.
although i was desperate, i'm glad i wasn't like her.

but if i have to tie her to her bed to keep her
un-raped and crying for ages over her mistakes,
then so be it.
because i don't want her learning the hard way.
at least she finally gave in, and to distract her,
we're in for a girls night on friday -
something i haven't had in a long time! :D

was going to forgive him and be friends,
but reconsidered when i saw him.
everytime i see him, it reminds me why
i chose not to be friends with him.
thank god for that.

i don't think the seriousness of A levels
and how AS results are more important than shopping.
i need a fat slap.

i am so getting the headphones before she does.
don't want no people saying i'm copying her,
that's not how things work -
she copies me.
and it's going to stay that way.

glad i spoke to rach and cleared things up.
we've known each other since we were born,
and although we drew apart and everything,
 we were quite close for the last few years.
and right now, i realised i need her.

everyone around me is changing,
and i can't keep up.
i was really close with this guy before,
back in the days of summer.
i used to tell him everything, and he to me.
but now it feels like he's in a different world.
and this other guy i was close with,
he's grown up so quickly.
his life is all about working now,
and when we talk, he's so complicated,
it makes me want to not talk to him.

my weight is so fxcking annoying.
i went shopping yesterday,
and i actually almost cried in the changing room.
i couldn't even fit into my regular dress size anymore.
fxck this shxt man.

"life isn't about complaining, it's about making the best of the situation."
how does big keith always know the answer to everything?
thank god i know him.

Friday 20 November 2009

your loss.

one day, you're going to wake up,
and realise how much you truly love her.
and when that day comes
she'll be waking up next to the guy
who knew all along.

here i go.
back in the day, about 3 years ago,
i told you i really liked you, even loved.
3 years on, you're telling me
you liked me the whole time.
things don't work like that,
you rejected me.

i truly liked you with my pathetic heart,
and you're saying that you didn't choose me,
because of the "age issue."
you chose someone else
who apparently, you didn't know the age of,
until you found out and then broke up with her.
we lost contact and you dated someone else
for many many months.

you broke up with her, and came back.
but i had someone else.
we lost contact again,
and we bumped into each other after a year,
and the first thing you said to me was
"you look different, you've changed."
and told me you might like me.

my relationship ended and you're telling me now,
that you loved me all along and you love me now.
i'm sorry, but i'm not going to throw myself at you.

i feel like you only came back because
 the ugly duckling finally transformed into a swan.
i feel like you only want me now because
i'm no longer the immature chubby little kid
who spent months trying for you but never gave up.

"me: you had your chance, and you blew it.
you: well i'm sorry for being the stupid idiot i am."

it's okay, i forgive you.
but it's in the past and it doesn't change anything.
you: "but the past is what shapes the future."
me: yes, a future without us.

you said you don't want to lose me,
you won't.
we'll always be friends.

i'm so angry at you, but i forgive you.
you ditched me for someone who looked older, then for a model.
so i won't throw myself into a relationship with you
giving you false hope.
things have happened and we have both changed.

i feel like you only like the new me,
you never looked at me twice 3 years ago.
so don't tell me you love me if you can't even say it to me
when i'm at my worst.

Wednesday 18 November 2009

i resign.

i bet you didn't know that:
when she looked you in the eye,she wanted you to compliment her.when she texted you first, three mornings in a row,and then she didn't, she wanted you to be the first.when she met you on the only day she's free,she chose you over her friends.when she called you at 1am to talk "because she was bored"it was actually because she missed your voice.when she told you she didn't care about anyone else,you should've listened to her words and realised it was true.

i'm not holding on anymore.
time to play the field.
and this time,
i'm striking.

exit.


i want to do something crazy,
something completely out of my mind.
i want to party the night away,
downing shots until i can't walk.
i want to swing from guy to guy in a club,
without realising what a sket i look.
i want to sing and dance in the street in the rain,
regardless of the looks i get from the public.

i just want to get out of here.
i want to go to a place where
nobody knows me, and nobody knows of me.
so i can do the wildest things
without worrying that people are watching.

so blogger,
buy me a ticket -
first class,
one way please.

do angels exist?

it's about taking the risk and
praying to god you did the right thing.
when my friends are not their usual shine,
it makes me feel down because i can't do anything.
so when i don't look my usual self,
do they feel the same too?
i find that the people i expected to care about me, don't.
and the people who i never knew was there, would.

every tuesday when i watch gossip girl,
i ask myself, "are you more blair or serena?"
blair is manipulative and controlling,
and serena is wild and approachable.
the more i think about it, the more i realise,
i was serena.
and i wish i could stay that way.
but i feel like the "blair side" takes over.

melissa nathan books are so good!

i met a childhood friend last week,
and our friendship is already deteriorating.
how tragic.
she hasn't changed one bit, and neither have i.
it's when i am around her, that i can't be myself.
and she will always be obvlivious to everything she does,
that will eventually piss everyone off and she'll sit there,
wondering "what have i done wrong?"
- every. single. fxcking. time.

yesterday, tasnia said "you've definitely become desperate."
i'm so glad that people like her actually tell me the truth,
rather than just following along with everything i say.
and oh my fxcking god, i think i actually have.
what is wrong with me?
get a grip, wml.

i cant wait till christmas!
only 37 days to go! woo!
but mum and dad are completely broke
after buying our flight tickets for next summer.
looks like that new phone is going to have to wait then.
but it's okay because thats a christnas presenr in itself :)

korean songs are the one.

i want to get better at badminton.
i hate not being at the top and in charge, argh.
but motivation is good.
from today, i need to train more.
there are better opponents out there after all.

did you know a third of the time you think you're hungry,
it's actually because you're thirsty? crazy man.
just like my obssession with eating at the moment.

i'm glad that even though i can't be friends with you,
the people around you don't feel pressured and stay friends with me.
i hate people who, just because your friend isn't friends with them,
you're not friends with them either.
you have your own brain and mind, think for yourself.

decided to make amends with rachel..
i guess i really didn't hear her out,
but she is after all, my friend of sixteen years,
and after everything, i was the blair in our friendship.
time to wave a white flag.

my friendships are picking up again.
which is good right?
it feels like a burden strangely enough.

i'm so tired.
i haven't slept properly in ages.
procrastinating wastes too much valuable time.
and then i stay up until ages finishing off work.
or, i do start the work in the afternoon,
and don't end up finishing until ages cause it's so much.

bring me an angel please.

Tuesday 17 November 2009

tae-yang - wedding dress♥

if sexy was an oreo,
you'd be double stuffed.

i have actually had nothing to blog recently.
which is a surprise because i love blogging.
it lets me talk about things without
using up hours of my best friends' time.

just been busy with WOHAA things
as plans are finally close to kicking into place.
only a week left and the first event is happening!
my group have finally decided to get a move on.
but seriously, how hard is:
"please can you put these in the registers?"
and they couldn't even do that, for god's sake.

being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.
it means that you've decided to live life despite its imperfections.
so be happy because life sucks.
but you're doing just fine.
did i mention i'm going to malaysia and hk in august?
well i am, and i am super happy! :D

big keith's car is the sexiest beast alive.
i am so getting that car when i get my license -
or rather, if i get my license,
but i will try my best so hopefully i will!

i don't really have time for a social life now.
which just makes me sadder than usual
because i love the feeling of being outside.
ally said i've lost my "usual shine."
maybe because i'm stressed?
in a very strange way.
because on monday, for once in sixteen years,
i actually wasn't looking forward to school.
maybe everything's getting to me.

met this guy on sunday and actually,
instead of being my usual self (i probably would've flirted)
but i decided to be a good girl and just talk (lol)
because right now, i'm not really in the position
to be in any kind of relationship - including friendships.

don't follow in my footsteps,
i run into walls.

ever had one of those moments,
where you just stop in the street,
and there's a pigeon just strolling along,
and you think something along the lines of: 
"how does it feel like to look through a pigeon's eyes?"
i mean, as humans, it feels like
there's someone up there watching us,
like a daily tv drama.
and actually, is everything scripted?
hard to explain, but that's the best it gets!

sometimes it feels like our lives
have been planned out for us.
and i hate disappointing,
but a part of me
wants to live it my way.

call me completely nutters and out of my mind.
but i don't think i want to go to university.
i just don't think i'm ready for another four years
of complete devotion to work in order to succeed.
i mean, i don't want to waste valuable time of course.
but a gap year of work actually sounds good,
but with the credit crunch etc,
that's not as easy as you say.

my parents tell me weekly
they work hard everyday because of my sisters and i,
for our education and a better future for us.
i really appreciate it, i promise.
but i just don't think i want you to plan it out for me.
i want you to support me,
but for the things i want to do?

big keith.
tasnia.
ally.
zak.
i dont need anybody else.

Sunday 15 November 2009

go away.

you give him the ability to destroy you,
but trust him not to.

you don't need friends to succeed.
nor do you need a relationship.

i don't want to become a memory.

i love how when one goes, another one comes.
"there are plenty of fish in the sea." how creepily true.
but let's just leave things the way they are,
that way, everything will be fine.

homemade hair is always the best.
just like homemade jam :D

procrastinating should be my middle name.
statistics exam tomorrow, what am i doing on here?

officially going to malaysia and hong kong
in the summer during august! woo!
so happy cos i've never been to hk before!

how can a person switch so easily?
makes me want to slap them to a pulp anime style.
and it makes me wonder why the fxck i was even friends with you.
if everything i said, didn't have any significance at all,
why did you stay around? you should've just left.
i wish you did.
that way, we wouldn't be like this now.

note to self:
don't put all your hopes on one person,
they'll be crushed before you blink your eyes.
don't trust a person completely,
they'll be more likely to betray you.

for god's sake. you fxcking retard,
why can't you just leave me alone?
i'm living my life how i want to now,
and you should too, so please;
just get out of my face.


Saturday 14 November 2009

unwanted.

she will let you undress her
because just for a few minutes,
she needs to feel wanted.

it just occured to me how lucky i actually am.
apart from having never won a pound in scratch cards and raffles,
i have had the most amazing friends anyone could have,
my family loves me regardless of the countless times
where i have drove my parents up the wall
and my sisters have drove me insane,
at the end of the day, they're in the home that i adore.
i have always had the top grades in the year,
but i was never greatful because i never realised,
that in order to achieve high,
you actually have to work for it.
i had a loving a boyfriend who put me first for a while,
and i experienced the rollercoaster love.
i've always been wealthy and got everything i wanted,
but there are children out there starving on the streets.
it made me realise how thankful i should be,
and i am :D

looking back, of course there are a lot of regrets.
there are many many bad things i have done.
but you only live once and you never know until you try.

when i was in year eight,
my parents and my sisters moved to norfolk
and i lived with my grandma for a while,
but then she moved out to an elderly estate.
and then i was really was alone.
i never went anywhere in the house
apart from my bedroom and the kitchen.
my living room was empty with only my piano,
leaning against the wall, untouched.
the room next door was my parents room,
and the room next to that was my grandma's,
something about the two rooms gave an eery atmosphere
so i never went in.
and i never realised how scared i was.

i'd come home from school, drop off my bags,
get changed and go back out, i hated being home alone.
sometimes i'd even wander on streets and around troc
until late night because it didn't feel as lonely as it did at home.
i'd come back as late as 3am and go on msn and watch dramas,
then i'd have to sleep and wake up in a few hours for school.
no one knew apart from my friends outside school,
because i turned up at school everyday, and did my work.

my mum and dad never came down to visit,
they never came to parents evening since,
and i hardly watched my baby sister grow.
and i hardly went up to norfolk apart from christmas,
where things were so awkward because
my parents never knew what i wanted,
so mum would just buy me a louis vuitton bag,
and dad bought me chocolates.
lady godiva was my only friend.
my aunt lived down the road but she never came knocking.
and flicking through the photos on my laptop now,
the photos i took of myself in my bedroom as a twelve year old.
i looked so lonely.

what a lonely child.

Friday 13 November 2009

limits.

you hate the way he's constantly smiling
when you're around him,
you hate the way his eyes light up
when they meet yours,
you hate the way he walks, talks and acts,
wanna know why?
they're the reasons you can't let him go.

at the westminster refugee consortium, my boss is a bxtch.
with the weekend job in norfolk, my boss is a bxtch too.
jocelyn and my mum can be bxtches cos they're my bosses,
but you're supposed to be my friend, so it's not okay.
you've really pushed the limits now,
and i'm not going to apologise for blowing up at you.
because really, you deserved it.

started a blog for wohaa group so we can present it when we win.
thank god there's at least one person in the group who actually wants to do things.
and it's the person i'd least expected to help me out as much.
but i'm thankful regardless :D

everything this week got to me and sitting in front of my laptop,
blogging here whilst my right hand is colder than my left,
i realise how much i miss being at home.
everytime i've had a shxtty week, i just want to go home.
where i am now is not, and will never be a place called home.

about to set off to meet nabs at kings cross,
cos DofE at Corsam's and it's so bloody cold.
and i'm so tired.
was about to celebrate like,
WOO! FRIDAY NIGHT!
but i spoke too soon when i realised
i completely forgot about Duke of Edinburgh :|

and i've realised that a lot of my friends,
are in the same situation as me now.
guy problems, bumpy friendships, overloading work.
and when i advise that guys aren't worth your A levels,
i think 'what a hypocrite.'
i should try applying the advice for myself.

i don't like bob.
i just miss talking to him.
i'm just angry, that he never chose me.
and now, all i can do is look at his facebook.
his photo's only on my phone cause it looks like a popstar,
and i can't find the real popstar, so shush.

Thursday 12 November 2009

through the rain.

gotta a lot of haters and a lot of homies,
some friends and some phony.

arms are for hugging.
boys are for kissing.
sluts are for dissing.
and best friends are for
when the boy is kissing
the slut and all you need
is a hug :)

to my girls:
here's to the shxt we talk.
the guys we stalk.
the way we shop.
the laughs we can't stop.
the gossip we spill.
the looks that could kill.
to having each other's back.
to the next morning getting the facts.
downing the beers.
and spilling the tears.
thanks for all those years.

a hangover lasts a day,
but our drunken memories last a lifetime.

good times.

let's call you bob :D

"the only people you need in your life
are the people who prove they need you in theirs."

today i met up with another old friend!
because with everything going on now,
and the busybusy schedule this week,
i just wanted to catch up with some friends.
i hadn't seen her for eight years, and to be honest,
i thought it was going to be so awkward.
but it was so fun! and i loved every minute.
so much had changed - not necessarily bad things,
but we were still the ten year olds we'll always be.

calorimetry chemistry practical exam tomorrow, ew.
and for everyone else, 'oh dear' and i'm sorry in advanced
if you're in a near-death experience again!

oh. my. lord.
i just ate a whole mcvities chocolate cake myself.
how many calories is that anyway?
ninety-two calories per ninth of the cake.
oh fxck.

duke of edinburgh tomorrow evening!
so excited, sounds like so much fun :D
but i still have to go to norfolk, ew alloow.
but i have a contacts check up on saturday anyway.

"learn to love yourself before you love anyone else."
a friend told me this today and it made me think.
learning to love yourself is harder than loving somebody else.
there is always something about you that you aren't happy about.
whether it be your hair, eyes, tummy or legs.
you'll find it hard to love yourself.
but that doesn't mean you can't love another.
and the one you love will teach you to love yourself :)

"you smell like mangoes and honey."
compliment of the day. cheeers.

i'm flattered that you like my style and hair.
but must you really copy every detail of my appearance?
so i got a fringe, and it looked better than my middle parting
so when you complimented me, i was glad it was a good change.
then you went and got the same hair cut.
a new season and new collections so i changed my wardrobe.
you liked my dresses and my shoes.
and you come walking in the next day,
with exactly the same outfit i wore the day before.
thanks for the flattering comments,
but this is really pushing it too far.
where has your originality gone?
it's what makes you, you.

it's actually quite funny if you think about how
we spend half out lives trying to look older,
and the other half trying to look younger.