pick up all the little pieces♥

it fxcking hurts when you realise that

everything you believed in turns out to be

complete utter bullshxt.

it's just disappointing.

you know that feeling when it feels like everything's falling apart?

well, i do. and i've been feeling like that for some time now.

but it picks up every now and then so it's not so bad..

but this time.. this time hit me hard.

me and my boyfriend argue a lot; i guess that's just us really.

but yesterday, we he took it to another level.

i'm a crybaby, but i haven't cried like that since i was young.

and i guess it's because yesterday scared me like back then.

it brought me back about ten years ago and to be really honest,

i was really afraid.

i cried because i was upset of course,

but i think fear overtook the sadness i felt.

i hate realising that one person

can be two completely different people.

i think it's the scariest feeling. ever.

and i was really unprepared

so it threw me off completely.

and you left me speechless.

i wonder if it breaks your heart to see me like that?

it feels like what came out of your mouth was true,

you really don't give a shxt about me anymore.

but it's okay. really..
it's just like you always say, "shxt happens."

so what can i do..

i tried taking my mind off this today, so many times.

but i failed every single bloody time! got me so angry!

when i actually picked up my pen for the first time today to do maths,

i thought of you again.. and how you're always so eager to teach me.

even when i went to the toilet,

i saw your worried face asking me to take care of my body.

and when i saw a guy in the year below hug his girlfriend,

patting her head and telling her how much he loved her in front of a crowd..

i thought of you.

and it made my eyes water.

i spent all night doing work, trying to take my mind off it,

i'll think about everything later.

but your mum worries and she asks and asks if i'm okay.

and i'm biting my tongue, saying of course i am.

i don't know what to do.

i don't know what i want you to do.

actually, i'm lying, i do know what i want you to do.

but i'm not going to tell you.

because it wouldn't be your decision.

you wouldn't be doing/saying anything freely.

they say time heals everything.

..i wish you could fast-forward time.

♥