what i'd give to be serena vdw.

i can't even wear shorts without worrying about

how much my thighs jiggle with their flubber.

i guess when i hear other guys talk about how attractive a girl is,

i unconsciously begin to feel slightly self-conscious..

especially if you know the girl.

and especially if she's your best friend lols.

i spent a few years being friends with someone

who was always more popular or prettier etc.

and i guess i got used to being 'so-and-so's friend.

which reminds me, only now do i realise,

that what rachel and some other people said to me,

is probably what every other friend of mine is thinking.

it's true, i guess i'm naturally bossy and without realising,

i make others feel like they're followers?

i'm sorry, i don't mean to.

and i do know how it feels..

always having to be around guys

rating the hotness of girls i know,

is starting to make me wonder

if i've ever been in anyone's conversation

about leng luis and rating their 'pengness'..

i don't want to be some random guy's fantasy

(because i'd only want you to think of me like that,

but even recently, it feels like i can't even make

you feel that way anymore cos it's gotten to the point
that even you can point out my flaws)

but even knowing that i'm the slightest bit pretty

would be enough to reassure myself that i'm not ugly.

i wouldn't say i haven't felt ugly in a long time,

because that would mean i always thought i was super hot.

but i haven't felt uglier in so long.

and it feels like i have to keep restraining myself

from my bad habits, just to keep myself skinny

because do you actually know what the worst experience is?

walking into a changing room with clothes at your usual size,

and a few minutes later, realising that you look like a hippo.

you said girlfriends are easy come, easy go.

and they're basically people you'd like to have sex with.

and you said that i'm not a girlfriend, i'm a wife.

i don't want to be a wife if i'm not girlfriend material?

i don't know how to explain it cos it'll just come out wrong,

but it makes sense in my head.

i don't know.. but recently, maybe i've come to terms,

or maybe i'm going against your advice and caring about

things that other people are saying.. but;

it always feels like i'm out of your league.

like i'm a million miles away from even beginning to compete.

like i'm always going to be the uglier and fatter girlfriend on the sidelines.

my arms don't even come close to being as skinny as those

gets me so agitated with my body.

♥