fxck money, wheres the love?

okay so my diet went down hill like,

the day after i said i would start.

but i'm going to actually get back on track!

chemistry test yesterday and today -

both killed me just as slowly and painfully.

a friend of mine broke down today,

and before she did, i could tell something was wrong.

she didn't tell me why until i'd guessed right.

and the thing is, although i'm not close with her at all,

we hardly talk unless she's copying my work in chemistry.

but as she told me her boyfriend had left her,

and they'd had unprotected sex "out of nowhere"

i kept thinking of when everything happened to me.

she looked so scared; but she explained that

if she was pregnant, she couldn't bring herself to abort.

as she cried, it looked like she was forcing it out.

i told her i'd been through it before and i'd help,

i even ended up crying omg.

but getting a pregnancy test was the first step.

but she didn't have money apparently, and seeing as

i said i would help, i was prepared to help.

i went back into class to do my test,

and she said she was going to make a call to her ex,

and i asked if she needed me, and she'd said no..

i bought a pregnancy test for her in boots after,

and i hadn't realised teachers and students were watching -

i took a fxcking public bullet for her.

thankfully for her, she wasn't pregnant.

after finding out, she just walked out relieved.

i felt so relieved for her.

only to find out she'd been using me.

how can someone who's not even close to me, use me?

and how could i not even realise?

god wai man, you're so stupid.

and i was so happy for her as well,

so fxcking relieved that she didn't have to go through

any kind of shxt after she'd told me she'd got molested

by a total stranger in year nine.

well my cousin tried to rape me, i don't see any sympathy

from anyone and i'd rather not have any either.

the whole time, she was crying about how she thought

she might be pregnant; she was saying how things like this,

never happen to people like her after the shxt she's been through.

well, shxt happens, and everytime it's happened to me,

i pick myself up and give everything another chance.

i've never had friends that didn't judge me.

i've never had friends that would buy me a pregnancy test,

or take a bullet for me because everyone cares about their reputation.

i thought we were actually friends, i'm so naive.

someone told me, after i'd left knowing she was okay,

she'd called her boyfriend saying she

"found some chick to buy me the test and it's clear"

it gets better.

"nah it's cool, she's loaded and she believed me."

apart from tasnia, who counts every single penny,

why does everyone pretend to be friends with me,

if all they want is to get into my purse?

i'd rather not have any "friends."

even the ones who say they don't care about money, do.

"it's okay, let wai man pay, she's rich, her treat"

it's fine you know, i actually don't mind paying,

but when i find out you're not actually friends with me,

i don't want to feel like i'm paying for "friends."

why is it, the people who i care for the most,

or the people who i end up caring about,

just use me?

what is there to fxcking use?!

if i was poor, would you guys even look at me twice?

my ex-boyfriend used me for sex and money.

my friends still continue to use me for money.

and people who i start to care for as friends, use me.

where the fxck is the love these days.