disappointment in her voice.

when my mum called me today at around 9:50am

i'd realised straight away that something was up

'cause mum wouldn't call me during class time lor~

and even though she didn't get angry at me,

i could hear the disappointment in her voice.

and actually, i was quite disappointed with myself.

i know that my parents spend hundreds every year

for me and my sisters to study and to get the most

out of the next few years to be able to achieve

a future that we deserve, and a future worth living.

the other day, my boyfriend said to me,

he missed the me from five months ago,

the me who said.. "i won't leave school for anyone."

the me who made education her first priority.

i used to always say, in my life, education is number one.

because it can't just wake up one day and leave you.

but actually, for every time i said that,

it was like, i'd just lit a chain of dynamites,

all i needed was a distraction.

be it a guy, or a party or a friend,

it was like i was searching for a reason to leave school.

what a hypocrite eh?

and for every time i left, or i just didn't show up

i felt like i was very slowly losing a bit of the trust

that my parents and my teachers had in me.

but what i hate about myself is, i never learn.

even if i make the same mistake a hundred times,

i'll still do it - knowing the consequences.

i'm sorry mum.

for constantly doing things that make you disappointed in me;

and for always rebelling and doing the opposite of what you say.

and i know that actually, you don't mind what i get up to,

as long as it's sensible and as long as i go to school.

i'm sorry daddy.

for making mum angry so she takes it out on you,

and you end up having to be the one to lecture me.

and i know that you don't mind what i do either,

as long as i tell the truth.

i'm sorry karman.

for setting such a bad example as an older sister.

and i know, that for every time i tell you, you can't leave school.

you look at the hypocritcal me, and you're disappointed too.

because even you can lock yourself behind the school gates

for seven hours, and i know i can't.

last of all, i'm sorry tim.

i know that you know that i know that i'm smart (lol)

and we both know, that we're similar when it comes to this.

we're both intelligent individuals but we're both ridiculously lazy.

and you always tell me that you know that i'm smart

and if only i'd make the effort.

i know that all of you believe in me,

and you all think that i have potential.

but my bad traits, like my laziness can't seem to stop kicking in.

and i end up disappointing you all in one blow.

i regret not turning up to school as often

as i would have intended or wanted to -

that would have been every day of courese.

i regret letting some stupid little moment

take away half of my first year at sixth form.

i regret being cocky and assuming that i'd be fine

and that if i ever took time off, i'd catch up.

i did. but there wouldn't have been a need,

if all i did was turn up, i know.

and for the next person who asks me why i skipped school,

i'm just going to lose it because even though it's not your fault,

i don't feel like i should have to justify myself to you.

and the truth is, i'm probably angry because i can't

even justify my actions to myself.

and like nineteen year old tim wong says:

life's too fast for regrets.

i'm hoping you're right, baby.

♥