reliving your worst nightmare.

我真的好掛住你
i miss you so much it fxcking hurts.

i have never ever missed someone so much before.

i have never missed someone so much to the point

where i am close to tears just thinking about you,

just missing the warmth you give me.

i had the worst nightmare just a few hours ago.

i had about three, one after another,

and for every single one, i woke up crying.

burying myself in my pillow and

wrapping the duvet around me,

i didn't realise i was still crying until i fell asleep.

and the only dream that stood out,

the only dream that i can recall now..

i told him i couldn't see him anymore.

it was raining and he was crying,

but he couldn't see my tears through the rain.

i was at st mary's hopsital.

just like last summer.

the same wing. the same department.

the same place that still scares me.

and hearing the same words from a nurse,

my heart froze.

even though, in reality, i say to myself,

wai man. you're strong. you did it.

you didn't let that destroy you.

i don't think i could go through that again.

now don't think, i haven't gotten over my ex,

or my ex is affecting my future etc etc.

it's because, my love for children and my need for children

has just been destroyed by this one person

who didn't even deserve to be in my life.

and all i can think now is, i'm sorry.

of course i'm sorry to my parents who don't know about this.

and i'm sorry to my sisters who i have lied to.

but, i think, most importantly, i'm sorry to my fiance.

i may not be able to give you the children you want.

and i may not be able to pass on your surname.

and we all know, that chinese families are all with the

"if she can't give you a boy, she's a useless low por"

so, i'm sorry. i really am ><

it breaks my heart knowing i can't make you happy

that way. i can make you happy any other way,

but not that way.

at the end of the dream, you came back for me.

you ran down the hallway and wrapped your arms around me

as i turned away from the nurse and buried my tears in your chest.

"it's okay. i know why you did what you did.

but please, don't ever do it again. because i promised.

i promised that no matter what, i will love you."

♥