Tuesday 29 June 2010

deem gai ah..?

Why can I stay strong for everyone but I can't stay strong for myself?
Why do I always know what to say to everyone else, but I don't know what to say to myself?
Why can I always help everyone with their problems, but I can't fix my own?
Why does it feel like everything is falling apart again? :(

I always tell people to talk cos it makes them feel better
but only now, do I realise how hard it is to tell someone.

很抱歉,我真的不明白為什麼你是這樣。

i always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place
when they can fly anywhere on Earth..
then i ask myself the same question.
left my memory stick and usb thingy for my iphone
in the recording studio from this morning!
was there with philippa and ama to film something for media.
i think i forgot to pull the memory stick off the mac,
and the iphone usb cord is in the recording studio.
fxck.

finished maths early as well! i would've been home by nowww..
but gotta wait till philippa finishes school to get the blaady key!
i hope everything is still there! :(

i don't really know what to say.
tim's annoyed/angry/whatever because i went to london zoo.
but it was a school trip and even though, you really wanna go with me,
i don't think you should be selfish and say what you said.
not talking to me because you expect me to not go somewhere,
because you want to go there with me, is kind of out of order.

and you can say that "there really is no point in going"
if i've already been there before, but going to the same place,
with a different person, has a different feel.
i can go to a place twenty times with my family or school or whoever,
but i can go there once with you, and it'll have been the best.

kit said he might start blogging again cos he has a lot on his mind.
i said i blog but now, this blog isn't just between me, myself and i,
now tim reads it and sometimes, i'm afraid and careful about what i say.
i don't want to have to be like that with my blog.

here on this blog, 
is everything i want to say and
everything i can't say to anyone else.

so actually, i'm just going to say what i want
and everything that's on my mind.

remember when i said i read through our msn conversations last night?
remember when i said i missed being the person i was a few months ago?
i'd now like to question myself, how the fxck did i change?
i think i know the answer, but i think we all know i'm trying to avoid/deny it.
whatever la.

i really want to try to be that person again.
you don't understand how badly i do.

but with the mentality i had before, it was hard for guys to stay mutual.
i hardly make friends with girls, but whenever i befriend a guy,
it doesn't usually turn out quite well unless i've known them for tiiiime.
and now, i don't want to have arguments with you over other guys,
because that really just isn't worth our time, life's too fast
to be arguing about other people who don't matter because with us,
the only people who exist in our world is me and you.

but even so, you can't just go back to the person you want to be,
it's like asking to go back to being a kid again.
and there's things like, my innocence. you can't get that back.

tim's stay in norfolk! ♥



first two periods are frees so might as well
upload pictures from tim's stay in norfolk
from the saturday that just passed :)

now i'll get down and start on my economics
and chemistry projects T____T

i want my friends back, now :(



california girls we're undeniable,
fine, fresh, fierce, we got it on lock,
west coast represent, now put your hands up
i actually kinda miss yobi.
even though she's reminds me of me a few years ago,
i miss being able to talk to her about anything,
because of all people, her and tasnia won't judge.
and even though she can talk at like 500wpm,
for a very long time, i know i can too which makes
it easy to talk to her.

and tasnia and roaa are on the biology trip, for basically like,
the whole blaaaady week, and jamming with anastasiya is cool,
but i miss them too.

       

can't stop smiling at the thought of us♥

that's why it feels like losing you is like
somebody just turned all the lights off
it's started raining today! but it's still stuffy, so kinda humid.
allow trekking in the pouring rain with my soaked plimsoles
all the way to london zoo after break! some psychology trip.
we're gonna look at apes and monkeys for like 20 minutes
and apparently, we're free to explore or do whatever after,
as long as we're back in school by the end of lunch lor :)

had quite a good sleep actually, but kept waking up!
spent all night reading through the msn conversations
between me and tim - one from 2007, the first ever convos,
and the latest one since december 2009 :)

i lost count at the number of times i was smiling and laughing
at all the stupid little arguments we had and the number of times
i brought up "my friend" who liked you - which was obviously me,
and i blamed it on tasnia! haha, my bad.
and i lost count at the number of times you called me egghead ==
and the number of times our arguments were just calling each other
animal names for like, a whole two minutes haha (:

and every time i started typing like, super fast
about some story which could've been condensed to like,
a few lines, instead of a million paragraphs,
you'd be like "omg, i'm gonna die" hahaa awww♥

i feel like i've changed since the person i was in december.
i was so carefree and so.. me. i miss being that person.
but i was also so dopey haha, like, the number of times,
i was all like "are you okay?" and you'd be like "iunno"
and i'd say, "tell me what's wrong" and the whole time,
i was the problem! lol! i guess i kinda half guessed :p

"so, tim."
"yeah"
"what happens when i break up with josh? :p"
"you tell me"
i bet you were smiling like mad then! :p
cos i know i am, just typing this now lol ^^"
"i guess i'll take you out on a date then"
"i don't do dates"
"i guess i'll take you out"
lol i made things so difficult.

"what are you doing atm?"
"trying to watch akira, but you're distracting me,
too cute for your own good"
aaaaaaaah! ho cute ah♥

"omg! i love babycorn and those tiny little mushrooms!"
"lolz kawaii"
"the mushrooms? i knowww!"
"not talking about the mushrooms"

okay okayyy, enough for now,
anymore and i'll be smiling for the whole day
without realising it, just like i am now,
and my form tutor is asking if i'm okay haha

Monday 28 June 2010

so simple yet with so much meaning♥

forever
it is such a simple statement, yet with so much meaning.
it seems like this has become a part of every phrase that comes out of our mouths.
do people still say it even if they know that it's close to impossible for them?
almost every person who says forever,
the odds of it actually lasting forever is pretty much slim to none.

"you're my best friend forever."
"i'll love you forever."
these tiny little phrases may look simple,
but they actually mean a whole lot more.

almost everyone says or has said to someone,
"we'll always be friends forever."
but all you have to do, is change - physically or mentally,
or place you both in a new environment, like 6th form.
and everything changes.
if you promised to be friends forever, then be friends forever.
because otherwise, what's the point in promises and 'forever'?

for every person who has been in a relationship,
you'll have received or given a "i'll love you forever."
why does it feel like some people are afraid of committment?
why let your stubborness and insecurities ruin everything?
because, forever is a very long time.

forever isn't bullshit though -
even if the chances of it happening is super super low.
what if someone said it, took it to heart, and actually proved it?
so not only keeping to your promise, but actually striving for it.

don't say forever if you don't have the mental strength to hack it.
don't say forever if you're going to stab them in the heart after.
there are definitely too many people throwing that around nowadays.
it's the 21st century and it feels like, the more people say forever,
the shorter forever feels, and the less meaning it has to it.

baby, i'm different.
i have never said forever to anyone before.

tim.
i'm going to show you,
that when i say forever, i mean it.
with every breath, every pulse, and my entire heart.
i want to, and i know i can. i'll do whatever it takes to prove it.
i know someone else may have said it to you before,
and i, wai man law, won't sound any different,
but baby, give me some time please?

but it shouldn't matter because i have forever to prove it to you right? :)

not a lie, just refraining from telling.

telling someone the truth is always better
than protecting them with a lie.
wow, i haven't felt this relieved since.. a very long time.
and to be honest, even if, worst comes to worst,
the outcome was not what i had expected,
i don't think i would've been able to bring myself to tell you.

because i don't want you to experience the pain that i had to.
i don't want your mental energy to be drained like mine was.
and i don't want you to be as traumatised as i was too.

it would have been stupid to worry you though.
so i would definitely confirm first.

i told anastasiya today about it.
and it feels like we connect.
we both understanding the meaning of friends.
friends are like sisters.
and no matter what shxt you go through,
you go through it together.

roaa and tasnia went to epping today for biology,
and they're gone for tomorrow and thursday too i think.

i think i'm going to turn up for chemistry,
just out of respect because even though i was offered
to drop off completely so i'll have more frees,
i feel like i should turn up.
but then again, i don't see the point.
we'll see what my mind thinks tomorrow morning.

i'm so tired i can hardly open my eyes.

it's so funny how people say they don't smoke
and how 'innocent' they are because they've never lit a cigarette.
well posting photos of yourself with an unlit cigarette in your mouth
doesn't make you any more innocent than you already are.

i'm gonna focus on that summer body
i've been craving since day one of 2010.

29°C.. 30°C.. 31°C.. STOP!

tim stayed over in norfolk during the weekend
and drove us back down on sunday -
after chantel's mini birthday thing in the morning :)
"..so that's how birthdays are supposed to be like."
baby, wait till it's your birthday.

we had a steamboat on saturday, my god.
it was like, super superrr hot! couldn't hack it.
just like yesterday, it was too hot la.

stayed out with kit, sean and norman.
tommy left with ashlee and some other people.
played pool in gamezone and then went to tim's
cos he wanted to "bau sek" lol; it actually stunk.
ate at little wu and met tommy and the other lot
at st james park. haven't been there in aaaages!

watched a little bboy thing in piccadilly,
then went to samurai cos norman was hungry (again) lol
then me and tim went back to his home.
i love talking about my past when it comes to you.
because it was definitely the happiest short-lived moments of my life.
you know when people say, when someone becomes a big part of you,
they become the 'light of your world'? okay, well i say that lol!

well.. you lit up my world.

walked home with sean and kit through regent street,
some girls came up to us asking for rizzlers and a "chip" ==
which is apparently a chip off a cigarette lol.
got home at midnight and i don't think mum minded.
she was alright this morning, she was just like "you actually got up" ;)

was looking through tim's old phone - got it back from sean.
damn. karman was right. he's actually innocent~! ==

walked into school this morning and miss o'malley was there, haha.
was gonna carry on walking and then.. "wai man, hold on there a sec.."
fxck. haha.
"you do realise you haven't been coming to any chemistry lessons?"
"..for me, i'll be honest, i don't mind. but it's unfair to other people.."
"..even if you're not taking it next year, you still have to go to them.."
"..this will be filed up and the head of year will know.."
".."
".."
"..okay."
lol. well that's me not turning up this week then! joking.
oops? she looked pisssssed.
bleh. just gotta sit through six more hours of chemistry this week.
and the week after. and the week after that. PAHAHAHAAA, no.

i can't bring myself to buy it.
my god wai man, stop being so shook.
man up.
it'll be okay.
awww♥

Thursday 24 June 2010

all too familiar.

everything feels all too familiar.
so close to shxtting my pants.

Tuesday 22 June 2010

i'm sorry ally, really♥


what are friends with no trust? strangers.
ally broke up with tabitha yesterday and
he sent me all the texts that he was going to send,
and the texts that she sent to him.
i told jintana and soeng ha and they went
and told rania who obviously told her sister, rasha,
who is friends with tabitha and then etc etc
you can make the link right?

why can't people mind their own damn business?!
it's really starting to get me vexed now.
maryleboners just love to live on fucking gossip.
my god. they should all learn to fucking grow up
and mind their own fucking damn business.

since when did ally's break up become so exciting?
since when did tasnia's arguments with monika
involve people who don't need to cross the line?
since when did my personal life become the talk of the school?

what the fuck is wrong with marylebone?!
seriously. it's getting me so vexed now.
it feels like i've just lost a little bit more of ally's trust
when he asked how rania and her little 'crew' knew
about what happened between him and tabitha,
and how rania knew he sent me the texts.
i tell people stuff because i forget i can't trust them.

what is the point in being friends if you can't even
handle the most basic principle of trust?
every time you make a new friend, you learn to trust.
every time you've learnt to trust them, they trust you.
and when you trust each other, a beautiful friendship is formed.

and this is when you both promise to stand by each other -
no matter what shit comes flying at your faces.
because as long as you have each other, it's enough.

three words; can make you feel differently.

i love you.
three words i want to hear.

i don't care.
three words i never want to hear.

you may not realise it, but actually,
for every time you say those three words,
it feels like you've stabbed me deeper and deeper.
please don't ever make me feel like that again.

it feels like, the more you say it,
the more you really don't care about us anymore.

and knowing that you love me, just isn't enough
when it comes to times like this.

"i'm not bothered. call me a dickhead and be jealous.
i don't care. you know i love you."
it feels like you tore the ring off my finger
and threw it in the sewers never to be found again.
i may be jealous, but i'm more offended
that you think my photos are revealing
and you're commenting on photos like hers.

the moment i read that, i just started crying.
yes, in the middle of maths period six.
and as i sat outside the classroom with my arms
around my head and in between my knees,
i felt helpless.
it hurt.

the words you say, you don't even realise it.
you expect me to understand every move you make,
because behind everything you do, its okay
as long as you love me. it doesn't make sense.
i love you.

but like yobi said, we haven't been together for long,
but we've been through a lot more shxt than others.
i just want to believe, that after everything,
it'll be worth it.

don't be another guy to break me.
if you do, i can honestly say i won't be able to love again.
and no, i have never said that line to any guy before.
please be the first and last.
i love you.

believe she won't fxck you over♥

love: give it your all, you're worth it.
i've come to realise, that actually..
not all guys are dxckheads.
not all guys are out for sex -
okay, most guys are but not all.
and actually, most guys go through shit for us girls.
and that's when you know, they're really worth it.
it won't be easy, but you'll both be worth it.

Monday 21 June 2010

i'm a genie in a bottle♪


things that i'd wish for if i was super greedy
and a genie popped up in my room with unlimited wishes:
i wish..
- i was skinnier.
- i was pretty so i don't have to wear make up.
- i knew exactly what i wanna do in uni.
- my contract had started when it was supposed to.
- i had the money i needed for this summer.
- i could stay this age forever, or maybe stay 18.
- i knew what chantel wanted for her birthday.
- i never took that blackberry.
- i could tell my parents about us.
- i was still the person people were afraid of.
- i was in control.
- mum never sold our cherwell house.
- i lived life like gossip girl, minus the gossip, plus the luxuries!
- people wouldn't gossip about everything.
- people wouldn't judge you.
- i remembered what i'd read in books.
- i'd chosen english instead of chemistry.
- i wasn't always ill.
- i didn't have asthma or eczema.
- you didn't have either.
- i could sing.
- i could dance.
- my ankle wasn't fxcked up.
- i wouldn't get jealous so easily.
- i never gave up on piano.
- i had told you how i felt during those three years.
- my biggest regret wasn't losing contact with you.
- you hadn't liked her.
- i was still 100% capable of reproducing.
- they would hurry up and resize my ring!
- to have the most amazing love with you.
- to have the most amazing wedding dress.
- to have the most amazing wedding.
- to spend the rest of my life with you.

two souls as one♥

just because somebody doesn't love you
the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you
with all they have.
girls always complain about how their boyfriends
don't spend the whole 24 hours showering them with gifts,
or texts or calls.

but honestly, they can't possibly be spending
the entire day telling you how much they love you
for the rest of the days that they'll spend with you.

i'm sure all us girls can agree that,
at the beginning, when you first started dating,
everything was absolutely amazing, just perfect.

and as you both begin to progress,
everything starts to die down and there's no more chase.
but actually, asking for your boyfriend/girlfriend
to chase you as long as you are together,
is actually quite tiring for them.

i came to realise this during the third/fourth month
i was with my boyfriend, and i'd had no credit for some time.
but i was expecting him to call me every night,
and text me at every waking hour.
a bit too much right?

and when he didn't, i'd say how he wasn't making an effort.
and only recently, when i'd started using my contract phone.
i've come to realise how wrong i was.
a relationship requires effort from the both of you.
it takes two to tangle.

we text and call each other more often now.
maybe with the excuse that we're engaged?
but either way, he still calls me more often -
even if it isn't at every waking hour,
but every night seems fair.

i don't know why, but it's always been hard for me to apologise.
i've always been one to think that i was right in all that i do,
and if i was ever wrong, people would let me know i was right,
and the only people who ever corrected me were my parents.
and as i grew up, they weren't always around.

so, as a public declaration on my blog (:
i'm sorry for being so ignorant and stubborn.
i now truly understand what it means when they say,
it takes two to tangle.

and to make things work, we both need to make the effort.
and for every time we argue about the most stupid things,
i will try my best to put down my stubborness and childish behaviour,
to be the first to say; "baby, there's no point arguing about this.
lets talk this through. because i love you.
and things like this will sort itself out as long as you love me too."